Last year I discovered and read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain (2012). Having not explored the topic of introversion and extraversion personality types, I gained much perspective on these concepts through the author’s research and insights. Being an introvert herself, Cain clarifies not just what it means to be of introverted nature but to be so in a world conditioned by extraverted traits, behaviours, and ideals.
Since then, this general perspective of introversion vis-à-vis extraverted culture has remained at the back of my mind in relation to my routine social experiences. Recently, I decided to further explore not the general topic, but rather discussion of introverted nature in the context of the social experiences of introverts. In other words, I sought information that was more personally relevant to being introverted in an extraverted social world; and essentially, to identify, clarify, and examine the conditions, effects, and factors of this inter-personality relationship.
The Socialising Experiences of Introverts: A Compilation of Enhanced Extracts
For this research composition I began searching for and collecting a number of articles that discuss the topic to a several different points of interest. After reading through these articles whilst extracting the most relevant passages, I then edited them to optimise the meaning, form, and presentation into a series of enhanced extracts, which I finally categorised into common themes.
Note: Each enhanced extract has a reference number corresponding to the Source List (at the end of the article), which includes a letter signifying the order of its extraction from the source article.
In some cases, I adjusted or expanded the writer’s meaning wherever I thought it unrepresentative of my personal experiences or understanding. For the most part, the modifications were made simply to adapt the various extracts into a customised sequence (including the switching of perspective between first, second, and third person). The emboldened portions are to highlight the key points and central sub-topics within the passages.
Needless to say, the information is equally applicable to females as it is males (i.e. despite using ‘he’ without ‘she’); and the claims should be considered generalisations rather than definitive principles. Likewise, the descriptions of extroverts in their traits, behaviours, and social influence is generalised and intended to highlight, by contrast, the conditions and experience of socialising from the perspective of introverts.
Since the information has been taken from eighteen different sources, the points made frequently overlap both within and between the categorised themes. However, each extract coveys what may be a recurring point in a usefully different way, often with distinct insight or nuance. With many that relate to multiple categories, I’ve assigned them such to serve the thematic organisation of the overarching topic.
The purpose of this article is to form an insightful reference on this topic for readers (as with myself) to understand and negotiate the complexities of introverts and socialising. While this information is primarily intended for introverts, it may nevertheless prove enlightening to extroverts who would value the insight from the opposite perspective.
Contents (Themes)
- Mental Processing and Communication Style
- Experience of Small Talk
- Solitude and Silence
- Preferences and Needs
- Traits and Disposition
- (Mis)Perception of Introverts
- Motivations of Introverts
- Differences Between Introverts
- Difficulties of Introverts
- Helpful Attitudes for Introverts
Mental Processing and Communication Style
Introverts process stimuli better internally, as opposed to socially, being inclined to solve problems or observe the environment introspectively. [2a]
Introverts’ style of communication is fundamentally different to that of extroverts (and vice versa). Introverts process stimuli in a complex way, most notably social stimuli; whereas extroverts process stimuli in a largely linear way. Introverts’ processing of interactions and events is thus more elaborate, as they carefully attend to their internal thoughts and feelings at the same time.
Since extroverts typically do the opposite, processing their interactions by thinking out loud, introverts experience this contrasting style of communication as unnatural and quickly tiresome. [1a]
Opposite to extroverts, introverts rely more on long-term memory than working memory, which may explain why introverts struggle to put their thoughts into words. While words seem to flow effortlessly for extroverts, introverts often need time to think before responding, and longer time to consider a bigger issue.
Thus, without time to process and reflect on things discussed, introverts feel pressured to respond before ready and hence struggle to express themselves clearly and accurately. [5e]
The thought process of introverts involves regular use of long-term memory to contextualize current information. Thus, an introvert will often compare old and new experiences when making a decision, which slows the process but leads to carefully thought-out decisions.
Essentially, then, the introverted mind is characterized by an active internal dialogue and the ongoing presence of multifarious thoughts. [11d]
Introverts often need more time to do things than extroverts, especially when making a decision. This is because introverts like to consider (and gather) much relevant information before forming their best conclusion on a matter.
Although not many people have the patience to accommodate introverts’ elaborate process of thinking and responding, those who do usually form deep meaningful relationships with them. [6d]
Most introverts find that they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. Writing and speaking involve two different mental processes, and the former is far more suited to the way introverts think than the latter. (Although, introverts would surely express themselves far better if social conventions were based on deep conversations.) [8b]
Introverts choose to place their energy (in establishing rapport) differently than extroverts. Since they are completely comfortable being alone and find silence extremely calming, introverts tend to be deep thinkers who thrive on thought-provoking conversations.
Introverts are therefore comfortable in interactions that allow for pauses in conversation, for they use this time to reflect on what’s being said. By contrast, extroverts dread moments of silence in social interaction; and since extraversion is the cultural ideal, typical interactions don’t allow for considered responses. [10d]
Experience of Small Talk
For introverts, small talk feels largely meaningless and is mentally draining, and for whom substantial and philosophical conversations based on ideas is much preferred. Although extroverts aren’t incapable of in-depth discussions, they’re inclined to add some excitement and lightheartedness to conversation. [1c]
The most common reasons cited by introverts for their dislike of small talk is that small talk is: boring and pointless; fake and inauthentic; shallow and meaningless; conducive to egoism; pressuring to respond to questions and comments of no interest, or without time to process thoughts; draining of energy (that would rather be devoted to more useful activities); a superficial, polite exchange of irrelevant pleasantries that leads to no understanding of anything meaningful; devoid of significant ideas to provoke deep thought and discussion; and obliging to discuss personal details that may not be a desired topic of conversation. (!) [7b]
Most of the time, introverts are just not that interested in small talk, and perhaps not that good at it. Introverts tend to express themselves better one-on-one, where there’s less pressure to perform. For some, the strategy when in big groups is to dive in and (try to) find a like-minded individual or small group, then exit the fray for some quieter conversation in a corner. [16c]
Small talk is the bane of an introvert’s existence, first and foremost because it feels insincere. Introverts absolutely loathe insincere conversation, are very bad at it, and have no interest in it; they don’t like to talk to someone who they know isn’t really interested in the discussion.
For introverts, banal topics feel like a wasted interaction of their finite amount of people energy, which is being depleted by a completely useless exchange that’s of no interest to anyone concerned. Even in a non small talk exchange, if an introvert thinks he’s having a meaningful discussion and starts sharing his point of view, but then sees that the other person isn’t genuinely interested in it, he starts to shut down because he no longer wants to have the conversation.
If an introvert loses the desire to converse it’s generally not because he was offended or has hurt feelings, but because deep conversations without genuine interest are for him twice as pointless (as small talk). In that case, an introvert would prefer to just stop talking. (!) [18c]
The idea that small talk is necessary for transitioning in to deeper subjects is a fallacy from an introvert’s point of view. While perhaps extroverts work that way, an introvert would have no problem whatsoever just jumping right in to the deeper topic—right in to politics, religion, or whatever, without ‘transitional small talk’. From their perspective, the transition – the small talk – is the part that impedes conversation; that gets in the way of it, that puts off and interferes with the more meaningful interaction.
When in an environment where no meaningful conversation could possibly occur – i.e. because there’s no time for it or it’s not the place for it – an introvert would just as soon stay silent because nothing could really come out of a discussion there anyway. [18d]
Solitude and Silence
Introverts are energized by solitude and drained by social interactions; whereas extroverts are energized by socializing and bored by time alone. [2b]
Introverts enjoy and value silence, within which they experience a life of the mind that is neither upsetting nor boring to them (e.g. contemplative). By contrast, extroverts might feel drained and bored by silence, and might even misinterpret the quietness of an introvert as a personal slight. [1e]
Introverts also need people in their lives who are content with silence: companions who will let thoughts linger, waiting for ideas to be digested, rather than jump to fill the silence. [5b]
Introverts thrive on time alone to focus on their hobbies and interests, because while absorbed in them they enter an energizing state of flow. In psychology, ‘flow’ is a mental state in which a person is fully immersed in an activity and enjoying the process—and this state comes naturally to many introverts, without which they cannot be happy. [5c]
Introverts absolutely need a private, quiet space to retreat to when the world is too loud, ideally a room they can personally arrange, decorate, and have full control over. For introverts, being fully alone without fear of intrusion or interruption is invigorating on a near-spiritual level. [5d]
Periods of solitude in a quiet and peaceful place are usually the best times for introverts. In quiet solitude, introverts recharge their spiritual energy, unwind their psyche, reflect on recent experiences, ponder current concerns, and contemplate philosophical thoughts. [6c]
Even after a nourishing meet-up, introverts are reminded of how crucial it is for them to go back to their own space to reflect and just be themselves. This is truly where their energy comes from; their stores replenish in solitude and are then available for when it’s once again time to be social.
Introverts can engage much more fully when their social ‘battery’ is at full capacity; but when it’s nearing empty, it’s nearly impossible for them to enjoy themselves around others. [17b]
Preferences and Needs
Introverts generally prefer to, for example, enjoy the evening at home reading an interesting book rather than to go on a night out of entertainment or meeting people (as typical of extroverts). This preference reflects a desire for activities conducive to meaningful thought over those that permit what is (at least to introverts) merely shallow experience. [2c]
In social groups, introverts are usually found to be mostly listening and observing. This is because introverts dislike small talk and try to speak only when they have something of real value to say. [4a]
Introverts generally prefer to work alone (or mostly alone) whereas extroverts like to collaborate and think out loud (i.e. group work and face-to-face interaction). [1d]
For introverts, small talk doesn’t come naturally, feels inauthentic and forced, and is a waste of their time and limited social energy. Introverts are interested in talking about ideas, concepts, and meaningful experiences. Rather than keeping up with the events in a person’s life, introverts seek insight in to their evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings. [4d]
Introverts need a few close friends who really know them inside and out, as opposed to many casual acquaintances and social status. Thus, whereas extroverts seek breadth in social connections, introverts seek depth. [4e]
Introverts need less contact with friends and family than extroverts do; hence, they tend to text infrequently and call rarely. Introverts certainly feel no need to make plans with someone two days in a row, as once a week is probably plenty of contact for them. Thus, introverts need not frequent contact but quality contact. [4g]
Introverts also need downtime after experiences other than social events. Because introverts process ideas and events deeply, they may get very drained by, for example, shopping in a crowded mall or a minor argument with a significant other. Introverts promptly need time to unwind to fully comprehend their most recent experiences, and to regulate their optimum level of stimulation. [5a]
Lifestyles of socially active schedules are the opposite of what introverts like, need, and can handle. For introverts, a simple life of good reading, meaningful conversations, and solitary hobbies is good enough and are what makes them happy. [5h]
Just like anyone else, introverts need people in their lives. Introverts generally realize that their way of life can at times be difficult for others to deal with, sensing if not comprehending their innate difference from an extraverted society. Introverts hence most value social relations in which their difference of temperament is accepted. [5i]
Authenticity of being is a value that’s generally more important to introverts than it is to extroverts. Characteristically, extroverts enjoy being the centre of attention and can put on facades easily to make their social interactions more enjoyable. By contrast, introverts thrive on close relationships with a smaller number of friends, where they can express and behave as themselves more fully and naturally (i.e. authentically). [10h]
For a number of reasons, bedrooms are havens for introverts. Firstly, introverts find an abundance of noise and commotion to be both overwhelming and overstimulating, and are drained by social situations and need plenty of time alone to rest and recharge—these are a core aspects of introversion. Hence the importance of solitude, which is fuel for introverts.
But just as important as time alone, a private space is an absolute must for introverts to be able to properly recharge: an introvert requires a space to call his own; one where he can reflect, hear himself think, and simply be alone. What’s more, this space needs to be truly and only his. A private physical space is not a want, it’s a need. Thus, for introverts, territory is often just as much a necessity as solitude.
For many, this personal physical space is the bedroom: the moment the door is closed an introvert goes from being exposed to the world, to an existence safely away from prying eyes and ears; a very private and dedicated space free from disturbances.
When introverts hole up in their bedrooms they’re looking for peace, solitude, and no interruptions from the outside world. They may be reading, writing, getting work done, or just contemplating their own thoughts. No matter what the activity, they’re relieved to be in quiet, familiar surroundings, reflecting on life and being their truest selves. This time alone in their safe space gives introverts the energy they need to go back out in to the world and interact with people again. [16a]
Being an introvert means that one draws energy from quiet and solitude, from being alone with one’s thoughts and imagination. By contrast, interacting with people is draining to introverts such that they have a very limited supply of energy for social interaction. With a finite supply of that kind of energy for the day, introverts hence prefer to use their socializing energy wisely, for instance, on one three-hour in-depth conversation with a friend rather than on various different small talk exchanges. [18b]
Introverts don’t like unexpected calls (phone or visit) because it obliges them to break focus on their current activity, thus disrupting it, and to refocus on whatever the caller has to say, which may also be of no interest to them. [1b]
Introverts proclivity for thinking, wondering, and imagining is not an indication of self-absorption, i.e. that they’re always thinking about themselves. Introverts often think impersonally and about many different things.
If an introvert’s thinking is interrupted he would prefer if that person has a reason for doing so, such as to relay important information or to have a real meaningful conversation. But if the reason is just to make a trivial observation or pleasantries of conversation, he would be quite put off by that. At the same time, he knows nothing was meant by it other than trying to be friendly.
But it’s important to know that introverts see friendliness in different terms than the norm. For introverts, it could be friendly to not say anything to a person and just let them continue along with whatever thought process they’re following at the moment. [18e]
Traits and Disposition
To introverts, shopping is little more than a practical affair that can be tiresome (particularly due to the conventions of in-store commerce). By contrast, extroverts enjoy the sensory stimulation of commercial stores, high streets and shopping centres in and of itself (that is, in addition to the practicality and pleasure of goods purchased). [1f]
The proclivity for solitude does not (necessarily) reflect shyness or socially anxiety, but rather an innate value of introversion and environments suited to it. Whereas shyness and anxiety reflect behavioural responses to fear (of social situations), introversion reflects a characteristic desire for solitude and a limited need for social interactions. [2d]
Although introverts are easily over-stimulated, this trait reflects their ability to observe more deeply than extroverts. In so doing, introverts are highly sensitive to details with a mind to forming rational conclusions and practical decisions, whereas extroverts tend towards deriving excitement from seeking and revealing details. [2e]
Introverts spend a lot of time alone, think deeply on substantial matters, and need time to think before verbally responding. [4b]
The temperament of introverts is best suited for interaction with one or two people at a time in an intimate setting, as this allows them opportunity to focus their attention deeply (which they excel at). [4c]
When socializing, introverts are generally calmer, more reserved, less emotionally reactive, and less personally revealing. Introverts thus tend to keep many of their opinions and feelings to themselves, even when they feel them deeply. [4f]
Introverts are unique and fiercely independent, being more inclined to let their own inner resources guide them than follow the crowd. Thus, introverts do their best work – and are at their happiest – when they have the freedom to explore ideas, spend time alone, and be self-directed and independent. [5g]
By nature, introverts seek and strive for deep meaning in everything they do and experience. Thus, introverts form deep relationships with friends (where possible, otherwise they hope and strive to do so) and are innately philosophical in their discussions. Because introverts are deep thinkers, they enjoy anything that makes them think deeply and tend to be especially good listeners and givers of sound advice (hence their dislike of small talk and shallow conversations). [6b]
‘Relational intelligence’ is a disposition by which introverts learn about people. Relationally intelligent introverts (not all are so) are intentional about investing time and effort to know people on a deep level. Introverts therefore prefer smaller and more intimate gatherings, for these social environments afford them greater opportunities for quality conversation on an individual basis. [10e]
Instinctively, introverts seek to develop trust with people to develop substantial and enduring personal relationships. Thus, introverts naturally invest the time and energy to get to know the people who interest them or those they care about.
Relationally intelligent introverts above all are inclined to become honest, candid, and vulnerable in the company of those they trust, as these types of behaviour are necessary to create genuine and strong bonds between friends. [10i]
Often embodying the traits of an ‘empath’ (a term for individuals who feel more empathy than the average person), introverts feel emotions in a deeper and more powerful way than do most extroverts. Introverts thus tend to have high ‘emotional intelligence’ (or EQ) and, also being reflective thinkers, are usually well thought out when sharing personal insight to friends and loved ones. This is why introverts tend (or at least intend) to choose their words wisely, aiming to provide feedback or input to others that can have the most positive impact on the lives of those they care about.
Especially when relationally intelligent, an introvert may cultivate a positive influence on the people in his life, and is likely a very good listener with intent to be helpful rather than judgemental (i.e. in the moralizing sense). [10j]
Neurally, the brain of an extrovert is adapted to an energy-spending nervous system, whereas an introvert’s brain is adapted to an energy-conserving nervous system. This physiological difference between these dichotomous personality archetypes is indicated by the way introverts feel content and energized when reading, thinking deeply, and focusing internally on the world of ideas. [11a]
Introverts are highly sensitive and attentive to the details of their surrounding environment. Hence, introverts treat interactions with people at the same intensity level as with inanimate objects, which is to say, introverts are generally curious about everything and direct their attention accordingly. [11c]
After a social occasion, it’s often the case that an introvert will reflect on how exhausting it was and look forward to getting home. He may anticipate that he’ll be up a few more hours decompressing, having lots of thoughts to sift through, and be desperately in need of some self-time to soak in before his brain can be inactive enough to sleep.
It’s also common for an introvert to work out how much time he has to himself before he’s required to see people again. Reflection on how ‘peopling’ is hard, recalling that one really didn’t say much, and wondering why listening is so undervalued are also common thoughts of introverts after socializing. [17a]
Introverts are very analytical about things: they analyze everything, especially human interactions. Introverts thus reflect on, analyze, and assess their performance after small talk exchanges, most of which they grade poorly. Although an introvert will on occasion feel quite pleased with his social performance, he will still be drained and exhausted by it and likely feel the need for a nap.
Introverts therefore prefer to avoid conventional interactions, which are for them a kind of a high-pressure situation that will lead to a very tough self-analysis. Small talk for introverts is a necessary evil conditioned by modern society; it’s work that takes effort, is exhausting, is disliked and does not come naturally. [18f]
Introversion and extraversion are two contrasting personality types, neither of which is ‘wrong’. To better understand how an introvert is affected by conventional social life, an extrovert might imagine how he would feel if forced to sit alone and eat by himself at a restaurant, or to sit in a quiet room alone for an hour, or to read a book alone all afternoon.
Whereas introverts thrive off the silence, aloneness, and thinking afforded by these solitary settings, an extrovert would likely be quite discomforted by them and increasingly exhausted at the frustration of having to remain in them. It’s thus a case of being out of one’s natural environment, which is how introverts feel in social situations dominated by small talk. [18g]
(Mis)Perception of Introverts
Introverts are culturally stereotyped as misanthropic, but what they actually dislike is surface-level interactions that are typical of most social gatherings. Hence, amidst groups of small talk, an introvert might attempt to find others things to occupying himself with (e.g. playing with a pet or helping the host).
The issue then is that introverts dislike shallow socializing, which to extroverts may appear to be a dislike of people. [3a]
Introverts are not necessarily weird or shy but are simply a different type of person than the highly social type that’s far more common. Introverts value those who don’t try to redefine or mould them into something more preferable, but who are instead patient in trying to understand their nature and who appreciate them despite their social shortcomings. [6a]
Contrary to common misconceptions, introverts deeply value socialization. More specifically, introverts value high-quality personal relationships, for these contribute to their overall happiness, well-being, and fulfilment. [10a]
Although introverts may prefer to focus on their inner thoughts and ideas rather than on external stimuli, they still need and seek deep, intimate connections with others. Contrary to shyness, which is common misconception, introversion represents a psycho-social preference based on personality and values different than those that predominate in society. [10c]
Impulses for reward and pleasure are oriented differently for introverts in contrast to extroverts. For example, extroverts respond to positive gambling results with more pleasure than do introverts, who tend to feel less excitement for surprise or risk. [11b]
Although mostly thought of as a personality trait, introversion is also a kind of intellectual method. Etymologically, it means a turning inwards; and throughout human history it has been seen by some as the key to enlightenment.
Others, however, have seen introversion as being at the root of humanity’s greatest philosophical mistakes—and that critique has reached its zenith in recent years. Intellectual introversion is a disaster, it is alleged, because we are incapable of seeing ourselves as we really are. The only way to truly understand the world and your place in it is to look out towards the objective world, using the scientific method or as close to it as economics, psychology, sociology and the like can achieve.
The critique sounds persuasive, but only because its target is an extreme solipsism that rarely appears in real life. Inwardness should not be seen as an alternative to outwardness but as its necessary accompaniment. Philosophy is an excellent example of this. Introversion is to engagement as digestion is to ingestion. We need to feed our minds with good ideas and accurate information, and that requires an attentiveness to the world and others incompatible with pathological navel-gazing. But having done so, none of that helps us to grow mentally unless we can chew it over, digest what is nutritious and expel the waste. [12c]
Introverts rarely know how to respond to remarks that they are ‘quiet’. This misconception seems based on a presumption that if a person is quiet then he must be ‘broken’—as if not being ‘talkative’ is an indication of some traumatic event hidden in that person’s past. Despite good intentions or (misplaced) concern, this misconception nonetheless creates misunderstandings that introverts find tricky if not impossible to rectify. [15a]
Introverts are painfully misunderstood, even though there’s probably very large percentage of them (in America). The culture and society is designed for and by extroverts, who thus define introverts and do so wrongly. [18a]
Motivations of Introverts
Introverts hope that small talk will, at least on occasion, lead to the kind of deep, meaningful, philosophical discussions they covet. An introvert might thus consider socializing as a (not very enjoyable) means to a valuable end, i.e. the work necessary for a desired reward. [3b]
Whereas the typical introvert philosophy for socializing is to carefully plan and balance the frequency and duration of their social interactions, so as not to get mentally or emotionally overwhelmed, socializing is itself the end goal for extroverts, who thus pursue it for the excitement they find in the immediate experience. [3e]
Socializing for introverts is not a way to pass the time (they already have a full list of hobbies and interests to occupy their days): it’s a way to meet one new person that was worth the effort of socializing. [3f]
For introverts, small talk doesn’t come naturally, feels inauthentic and forced, and is a waste of their time and limited social energy. Introverts are interested in talking about ideas, concepts, and meaningful experiences. Rather than keeping up with the events in a person’s life, introverts seek insight in to their evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings. [4d]
Being especially susceptible to massive energy crashes as well as social burnout and fatigue, even when socializing is enjoyable, introverts are simply not as motivated and energized by social rewards. Extroverts should therefore not take it personally when an introvert leaves a party early or doesn’t attend at all, as they’re simply responding to their innate needs. [4h]
Introverts crave work that’s purposeful and meaningful, and not just a means to earn money and secure basic living needs. Introverts are not content with conventional ideals of happiness and rather seek fulfilment in jobs, relationships, hobbies, and other things in which they personally find meaning and purpose in life. [5f]
Being phenomenally active listeners, introverts take time to perceive and appreciate both the content and manner of others’ communication. This enables introverts to empathize more deeply and emotionally respond to those they converse with, thus cultivating the more substantial relationships they desire. [10f]
Introverts tend to be more appreciating of individual differences based on the propensity for greater thought and reflection about human behaviour. In particular, relationally intelligent introverts are so because they prefer to interpret individuals and events before sharing their thoughts, feelings, and reactions. This proclivity reflects a desire to progressively learn and understand the unique features of each person they encounter, as well as to control a socially-conditioned impulse to speak before thinking. [10g]
For an introvert, meaningful conversation is EVERYTHING: the kind of conversation where the exchange becomes real, real quick—and the more intense and revealing the topic, the better. Introverts generally know this isn’t everyone’s style, and it’s not always the time or place to go deep, especially at work or in more formal settings. But that’s why it’s the most amazing thing when a deep, meaningful conversant suddenly happens. [16d]
The key elements of a deep and meaningful conversation are a sense of openness, comfort, and genuine interest, all coming from both sides. As an introvert would know, this trifecta of conversation chemistry is very hard to come by—when stumbled upon it creates an almost euphoric state. Words start spilling out and, despite any lingering awkwardness that may persist, talking becomes fast and jumps from point to point.
For an introvert, this form of release is appreciated in its rarity—and is a bit surreal. In fact, one may get rather carried away and even be mistaken for an extrovert. Such moments can even evoke a brief feeling of having found a new best friend. If these connections turn into something more, it’s of course even better. Often, though, it is just what it is: an amazing conversation between two souls who ‘get’ one another, who happen to be passing through the same time and space—and these experiences are most cherished. [16e]
Differences Between Introverts
Each introvert finds a personal balance between solitude and socializing, intuitively making adjustments according to individual needs at different times. [3c]
The term ‘introvert’ signifies individuals who are characterized more so by traits of introversion than extraversion, which represent two ends of a spectrum. Introversion and extraversion thus are not all-or-nothing traits, nor are they mutually exclusive.
Hence, no two introverts are exactly alike: what’s true for one introvert may be quite different for another, each having their personal level of tolerance for socializing and other types of stimulations. [6e]
Socially, introverts are often misunderstood such that suspicion surrounds them on account of their quiet or contrasting manner. Furthermore, subtypes of introversion complicate this false impression.
The ‘social introvert’ prefers to spend time alone and goes out of his way to ensure the needed time to himself, and socializes only with a very close-knit group of friends.
The ‘introspective introvert’ spends a lot of time in his head and enjoys thinking about everything he sees and hears. Being extremely self-reflective, he cultivates a rich and complex inner world of thought and is adept at analysing social dynamics. Perhaps perceived as being lost in his own fantasy world, this introspective type is actually engaged in deep critical thinking.
The ‘anxious introvert’ is someone whose genuine struggles interacting with people borders on social anxiety, hence he will often decline invitations to events to avoid such anxiety.
The ‘restrained introvert’ initially holds himself back in social interactions and is very selective about who he opens up to, which can (unintentionally) make him seem mysterious. He always thinks before he speaks, and rewards with enduring trust those who have earned his own. [9]
Introverts often possess greater levels of ‘relational intelligence’ than extroverts do. Relationally intelligent introverts are often highly self-aware, observant, and are excellent listeners, also being more curious and inquisitive than extroverts. They ask questions first before having the need to share their thoughts or perspectives with others, and when asking questions they actively listen to what another person is saying. They are highly skilled at putting themselves in other people’s shoes, being deeply empathetic and emotionally understanding of others, especially when building relationships. [10b]
Difficulties of Introverts
Finding close friends is rare for an introvert because socializing (in a highly extraverted society and culture) seldom begets life-altering relationships for them. Introverts naturally hope that interactions will establish long-term relationships with deep-minded people. Hence, an introvert may alternate between putting too much pressure on deep conversation and retreating to within his limited people skills. [3d]
Small talk is polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters. In linguistic terms, small talk is phatic communication, defined as communication without meaning other than its social function—that being to prolong or establish communication.
To the impediment of introverted personalities, social interactions are commonly limited to small talk, being really nothing more than a conversational lubricant. [7a]
In contrast to extroverts, who tend to express themselves effortlessly, introverts share a common problem of expressing their thoughts accurately, especially when under pressure to respond quickly and succinctly. This is partly because word retrieval in social situations is challenging for introverts, who process information deeply before forming coherent thoughts.
In other words, introverts don’t ‘think out loud’ like extroverts but rather think quietly and internally. Additionally, introverts’ thought processes depend more on long-term memory, which takes more effort to access. Conversely, extroverts’ thinking is predominately based on short-term memory, which is why they effectively keep thoughts ‘on the tip of their tongue’. [8a]
Due to the speed and shallowness of conventional conversation, introverts often feel the need to shorten and simplify their thoughts such that an inaccurate and inarticulate paraphrase tends to be the result. For the same reason, introverts may react to socializing pressures by expressing themselves through humour in an attempt to participate in conversations more smoothly. [8c, reader comment]
For an introvert, a newly formed thought may fill pages when taking the time to work and write it out. Furthermore, well-written thought affords the convenience of henceforth explaining it further, should anyone want or need to understand it properly.
During conversation, by contrast, trying to discuss things is challenging for introverts because it generally entails compressing their thoughts into concise sentences using limited vocabulary or concepts. As a result, introverts often feel that they didn’t convey the essence of their thought and missed out important details. As a result of such experiences, an introvert may develop a general disinclination to discuss what he’s thinking at all. [8d, reader comment]
In terms of quality and accuracy of meaning, introverts are likely to find a great disparity between their written and spoken communication. Different to when writing, an introvert might frequently consider a social interaction to have made him seem less intelligent, fair, or genuine than he actually is. [8f, reader comment]
Introverts strive to be fully and correctly understood, valuing depth and meaning of thought above all. Paradoxically (meaning due to extraverted culture), the striving to be properly understood makes it more difficult for an introvert to express himself effectively. [8g, reader comment]
To varying degrees, many introverts struggle with their basic orientation in life due to the structural values of modern society, as they are far more rewarding to extroverts. This sociocultural environment effectively pushes introverts to mimic and adopt extraverted forms of behaviour, which some introverts are better at than others. Thus, to varying degrees, introverts (must) try to become something they are not. [12a]
Saying ‘no’ is a healthy and necessary part of life that helps an individual – introvert or not – prioritize his time, energy, and values according to his needs. For introverts especially, the ability to say ‘no’ allows them to create opportunities for the things that are actually important to them.
However, due to modern cultural values an introvert might find it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to say ‘no’ in social situations. Introverts often feel a strong desire to avoid conflict and to keep the peace, which makes it hard to assert themselves and set boundaries. When they attempt to do so – i.e. by saying ‘no’ in some way to social events or conventions – the clash with socializing norms engenders a feeling of guilt that is quite perturbing. [13a]
For people in general, finding others of a similar kind can be a hard task. But for a solitude-loving introvert, this goal can be even harder to achieve. For such a person, making new friends by meeting people and starting conversations with random strangers is an especially difficult problem to solve. Furthermore, introverts would rather stay at home and relax than go out and socialize most of the time, particularly since people have a draining effect on their energy regardless of how much the company was enjoyed.
When inside the social world, introverts look for friends who truly ‘get’ them; people who understand their introversion and who can have deep conversations at an appropriate speed. But in an extraverted world, introverts generally struggle to make the meaningful friendships they crave. [14a]
After socializing, introverts tend to have thoughts reflecting on the awkwardness of their interaction. Common awkward situations for an introvert are being silent among a circle of conversing people (i.e. having nothing to say), or losing his words when he thought he had something profound to say, which didn’t come out nearly as eloquently as it sounded in his head.
Indeed, feeling awkward in groups is a classic introvert conundrum. This is particularly the case when entering a setting with lots of unfamiliar people, and where the type of ‘peopling’ entailed is most energy-draining for introverts. [16b]
Helpful Attitudes for Introverts
To better negotiate small talk, introverts should stop worrying about being interesting and be interested as they listen, asking relevant questions and perhaps summarising what was heard. This is because most people will appreciate the interest in them (so long as long it’s not inappropriate or interrogating) and will find the questioner interesting as a result. Therefore, thinking about interesting questions to ask people may help make your social interactions more beneficial. [7c]
Introverts can enhance small talk by looking for areas in the other person’s life that seem important to them to ask them about, ideally finding those of common interest. Additionally, thinking of something useful to add to a conversation – a perspective, some relevant information, or personal insights – can make your interactions more substantial. Finally, general curiosity is a good attitude for introverts in socializing, approaching interactions as a challenge to learn something new. [7d]
Extraverted culture engenders an inferiority complex in introverts relative to their more gregarious counterparts. Nevertheless, introverts are more likely to be thoughtful, reflective, and happy with their own company or in one-to-one relationships; better at listening than talking, contributing to the conversation only when they have something to say; and more able to stand back from the daily whirlwind of activity.
As an introvert, try to be aware of deep inclinations and enduring patterns while attending to your complexity, uniqueness, and sometimes awkwardly clashing potentialities—as opposed to allowing the ‘introvert’ label and its connotations to define and direct you. [12b]
While you may feel pressure to act extraverted or to conform to social expectations and norms, declining invitations to things that don’t align with your true desires enables a lifestyle that’s better suited to your introverted nature—and thus more authentic and true to yourself. [13b]
If you know that you don’t want to do something, it’s better to say ‘no’ right away rather than putting it off, which only makes it harder to do the longer you wait. One of the many reasons introverts tend to say ‘yes’ to activities that they don’t want to do is because they fear letting the person down or leaving them in a undesirable situation. But when declining a social invitation early, the other person is given maximum opportunity to find alternatives. Being clear about what you are and are not interested in doing can help others understand and judge their invitations to you accordingly. [13c]
In most situations it’s hard for an introvert to say ‘no’, especially when he feels that the person is relying on him. If you can’t or don’t want to do the activity requested, but you’d be open to doing something else, suggesting an alternative shows willingness to compromise but also a need to prioritize your own needs. [13d]
Saying ‘no’ to invitations doesn’t require an apology, as it’s natural to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. It’s not rude or mean to decline a social offer whenever you feel the need to. However, the people-pleasing side of introverts threatens to take over when they should be saying ‘no’.
Apologizing may seem like a way to lessen the blow of rejection or to make the other person feel better. But in the long run you do a disservice to yourself by consistently apologizing because, in so doing, you reiterate a cause to be sorry.
Ultimately, if you don’t prioritize your (introvert) needs you are guaranteed to reach burnout. Conversely, remaining confident in your own reasoning for saying ‘no’ will likely result in an overall benefit to your well-being. [13e]
For introverts who are not used to saying ‘no’, it can be helpful to first practice declining social offers in low-stakes situations. With such practice, you can build up your confidence and make you feel more comfortable saying ‘no’ in more challenging situations.
For example, declining a group lunch is relatively easy because other people won’t be relying on your presence. By contrast, an event or activity where your presence is needed – such as a practical meeting or a ceremony – is not easy to decline without practice, even if it’s considered permissible to do so in that circumstance. [13f]
It’s especially important for introverts to accept that it’s okay to change one’s mind after having agreed to attend a social event, if later realizing that it would be inconvenient or undesirable to do so. Rather than committing to something that you’re not comfortable with, it’s better to be honest and forthright about your feelings and needs.
For this reason, it’s helpful to have friends or loved ones that understand what it’s like to be an introvert, which could be thought of as running on a different ‘social battery’ than extroverts. Hence, saying ‘no’ as soon as your mind has changed is the best practice, as waiting until the last minute can project an identity of flakiness (which is undesirable in a friend). [13g]
Despite their desire to make like-minded friends, introverts often don’t even think to make the first move because doing so just doesn’t come naturally to them. Additionally, awkward social interactions may make introverts wary of rejection, in the form either of someone declining a personal invitation or, even worse, disliking their personality when getting to know them better. By contrast, observation and contemplation are the typical sweet spots of introverts, who are generally content just doing their own thing.
Nevertheless, making friends doesn’t usually ‘just happen’ unless an extrovert adopts an introvert as a friend. Introverts are therefore tasked with taking action, at least on occasion, by stepping out of their comfort zone to find and make friends who are more compatible. [14b]
When meeting new people, introverts may feel like they have to appeal to everyone and get every new person they meet to like them. The problem is that this is like walking up an escalator moving downwards, i.e. a lot of work that won’t get you to the desired destination, and which is also draining.
An introvert too often limits himself to accommodating what he feels are the other peoples’ interests and desires, i.e. so that the people he socializes with will find his company agreeable. But keeping up this facade is exhausting, and hence likely to eventually make you question the purpose of this kind of friendship. Conversely, being brave by giving people glimpses of your authentic self is a healthy form of vulnerability, without which true intimacy can’t be created. [14c]
For an introvert, the true measure of a friendship’s value is not the surface interaction between the two people but the feeling that interaction creates. The key indicators are whether you feel better after spending time with a particular person (as opposed to, for example, feeling drained for days by him); whether you can be yourself around a person (as opposed to feeling obliged to act like that person); and whether you can trust that person (as opposed to feeling it necessary to watch what you say and do).
As an introvert, it’s crucial that you give yourself permission to step back from people who are a total drain to be around: for stepping back from people and situations that aren’t right for you will free up more time and energy for those that are. [14d]
Although it’s a general concern, introverts especially have a hard time figuring out whether someone genuinely likes them or if they are just being polite. One sign that another person enjoys your company and may be interested in a friendship is if conversation progresses beyond small talk. If substantial topics are discussed with some depth and in a mutually valued way, that’s one indication of compatibility for friendship. If, however, the signs are that a person is probably not a good candidate for friendship, you shouldn’t take this personally as there are many reasons – including impersonal ones – why this may be the case. [14e]
While introverts are comfortable with their own silence when alone, when in public they sense an invisible timer keeping count of how long it’s been since they last spoke. This pressure pushes them to say something so as not to be perceived as incompetent, inhibited, dysfunctional, or rude. Due to the extraverted ideal, an introvert may feel as though it’s his responsibility to not inconvenience the other person with a lack of smooth and pleasant conversation. In reality, silence is just silence; and being silent doesn’t make you anything more or anything less than you are.
As an introvert, you should learn to feel comfortable in your own rhythm of speaking, rather than force yourself to interject or to say more when you don’t really have anything to communicate. By the same token, you shouldn’t deplete your social battery with fake bubbliness just to accommodate others. [15b]
An introvert should stop trying to find the ‘right’ way to interact and accept that not everyone will like him, which is OK. In fact, accepting this principle can be one of the most freeing paradigm shifts that you can ever make.
Introverts tend to put extra pressure on themselves to follow the interaction protocol, however they perceive it to be. This can take the form of the self-instruction “If I’m not going to say much, at least I’ll make my comments count by saying the ‘right’ things.” So at a gathering, for example, an introvert might concentrate on finding the gap in the conversation where he can insert the thoughtful or sarcastic comment he planned in advance… only to find two hours later that he’s said nothing because that moment never came.
The important principle is that there is no ‘right way’ to appeal to everyone; and the beauty of this is that you can choose to be unapologetically true to yourself. To be sure, it can be a little overwhelming for an introvert to interact using a more ‘unfiltered’ version of himself. For you may discover that your opinions are unpopular or that not everyone gets your witty cultural reference. But there will be people who find you interesting, or who will ‘get’ you, and who may even come from the most unsuspected places. And the rest? Well, haters gonna hate—forget ‘em. [15c]
Through many years of trial and error, an introvert might decide to seek quality over quantity, to balance time alone with time shared, honour his unique needs, and to trust that everything will be fine in doing so. That is, to trust that all will be fine most of the time, for sometimes it will be awkward—and that’s okay too. [17c]
Source List
- How Introverts And Extroverts Communicate Differently, by Brandi Neal, May 27, 2017, Bustle
- Why Introverts Hate Small Talk: The Myths And Misconceptions About Our Quieter Companions, by Medical Daily (Site), Mar 19, 2014
- Introverts Don’t Hate People, They Hate Shallow Socializing, by Rachel Ginder Feb 15, 2019, Introvert Dear
- Introverts Aren’t Antisocial, They’re Selectively Social, by Jenn Granneman July 26, 2018
- 12 Things Introverts Absolutely Need in Life to Be Happy, by Jenn Granneman Nov 18, 2022
- What Introverts Really Desire: By An Introvert, by Jerome-Writes, 2020, Opera News
- Why do introverts hate small talk? by Jon Baker, introvertinbusiness.co.uk
- The Science Behind Why Introverts Struggle to Put Their Thoughts Into Words, by Jenn Granneman, Aug 15, 2019, Introvert, Dear
- 4 Types of Introvert That Make Sense of Your Personality, by Dr Becky Spelman, Jan 21 2021, Private Therapy Clinic
- The Relationally Intelligent Introvert, by Dr. Adam C. Bandelli, 08-10-2022, HR.com
- 6 Illustrations That Show What It’s Like in an Introvert’s Head, by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West, Quiet Revolution
- What’s the problem with introversion? by Antonia Macaro and Julian Baggini, May 12 2012, Financial Times
- 5 Ways to Say “No” as an Introvert, by All About Introverts (Site)
- The Introvert’s Complete Guide to Making Friends Who ‘Get’ You, by Jenn Granneman Aug 7, 2020, Introvert Dear
- How to Be Quiet and Fierce at the Same Time, by Maria Isabel Campos April 9, 2021, Introvert Dear
- For Introverts, Why Are Our Bedrooms Our Havens? by Liz Greene April 23, 2019, Introvert Dear
- All the Weird Thoughts an Introvert Has After Socializing, by Cati Vanden Breul October 9, 2020
- Why Introverts Hate Small Talk, by Matt Walsh, YouTube, 27 Jul 2018
Stepping Stones 